This past weekend, I embraced my nerdiness and attended the Wizard World Chicago Comic Con. This was not my first rodeo, but I still managed to learn a few things.
Lesson the First*:
There is only one reason to attend the Chicago Comic Con on the Thursday opening and that is to buy comics. Those vendors are the only people set up. There was no one in the “celebrity” autograph area (a third of the hall) when we walked in. The middle of the hall was wall to wall business. There were tables filled with endless boxes of comics and pegboards with every action figure imaginable (I was quite surprised; not so much by the Rocky dolls and different outfits, but by the side of beef for him to practice on. I almost spent fifteen dollars on plastic beef). The final third of the hall is Artist’s Alley which I assumed would be full. I guess the artists weighed the cost of the hotel room against what they thought to make on Thursday and decided against coming that early.
*[Editor's Note: Juszczak contends that "________ The First" and such and so on should not be used unless in reference to occupants of the papacy. It is with a small amount of deviant pleasure that I present this list.]
Lesson the Second:
Unless there is a panel that you absolutely must attend, there is no reason to get to the convention center for the opening hour. Wristbands on Friday morning, we wandered in to find that our fellow attendees were lined up amusement park style in a second hall. We spent a good forty five minutes snaking our way through a line to get to the main entrance. Little girl was not pleased with this situation. This brings us to an important subject.
Lesson the Third:
Do not bring a five year old girl to Comic Con. It does not matter that the little girl likes zombies and super heroes. It does not matter that every costumed nerd is glad to pose with her for a picture. It does not matter how much loot you get for said little girl. Every time we tried to stop and look at an artists portfolio little girl would lose interest and insist that being here was not any kind of fun at all. ”Celebrity” gawking was not to be tolerated at all as it was just walking around not doing anything fun.
Lesson the Fourth:
The Stormtroopers are organized. There are always stormtroopers at Comic Con. If you give nerds a chance to get into costume, a good 30% (a totally made up number) will pick some sort of Star Wars themed outfit. I think stormtroopers are particularly popular in that it does not matter if the picture gets on the Internet, it is just another guy in a white plastic suit. This year I came across a booth for the Midwest Garrison of the 501st Legion. The booth looked quite similar to a military recruiting booth at a high school college night. They had collectible trading cards. Take a picture with a member at the booth and he gives you his card that tells you about his history with the organization. One thing you learn from the cards and the web sites is that these guys do a lot of charity work. I have to respect these people. Not only are they dedicated nerds, they are dedicated to the community. If only there was a Venture Bros. organization like that for minions of The Monarch.
Lesson the Fifth:
Nerds will always take a joke too far. As I was walking out Friday afternoon I saw a man coming in wearing a full Pedobear costume. I wondered how many parents snapped a picture of their children with the pedophile bear. While I could not help but laugh when I saw him, I was still very disturbed.
Lesson the Sixth:
The ComicCon promoters are not above grabbing a little cheap publicity. They had ex-governor (and convicted felon) Rod Blagojevich signing autographs. He should not have been there. He is not even loosely connected to geek culture and only served to make sure that the only stories in the news that day about comic con were about his attendance.
Finally…
It seems the organizers learned something as well. Last year, I was upset about just how bad the show was. There were booths for things like the Gillette Fusion razor. There were more ex-pro wrestlers signing autographs than science fiction / fantasy celebrities. I went off on it in a page long rant listing all of the failings. This year we got some real geek culture icons. There was only one booth that seemed out of place (a cell phone service provider). Artist Alley was packed with people selling quality original work and taking commissions (you should see the five year old as a zombie). While I still would like to see Marvel and DC, it looks like the Chicago Comic Con Organizers have taken many great strides in the right direction.
Penguins chasing a butterfly. They want to eat it, but we’ll all pretend that they’re fascinated by the wondrous beauty of nature.
Happy Friday.
Suppose some of us at 13 Guys Named Ed suddenly came into a boatload of money (we did not; this is a thought exercise). Further suppose that we decide to take that money and make a video game. Let’s call it The Platform Wars and it will be a class-based shooter (first or third person) wherein Apple and Windows fanboys take their nerd rage from Internet flame wars to the mean corridors of the cubicle farm.
One might think that the first thing we would have to do would be to learn how to write code.
One would be wrong.
We would take our boatload of money and wave it under the nose of a company that makes video game engines, like Valve with their Source Engine or Unreal Technology with the Unreal Engine.
This is what the two video games I’m going to talk about today did. Both Blacklight Tango Down and Monday Night Combat use the Unreal Engine.
Once you have licensed a game engine the really hard work is pretty much done for you. Sure, you need some artistic talent to make everything look pretty (The Editor would, of course, be the head (read: only) artist in The Platform Wars, though I would try to make sure that the Apple fanboys would all have to wear Ipod ear buds)*. You also need to have some competent level designers and play testers.
* [Editor's Note: No self-respecting Apple fanboy would be caught dead wearing factory-issued Apple ear buds. Far too bourgie.]
People keep playing the big budget games like Modern Warfare 2 long after they have finished the single player game. They do this because the companies behind the games spend a lot of time on multi-player level design and then testing the levels. On paper it is easy to say how you want a map to look and then tell some code monkey to get on it. In practice, you need a group of kids trying to break your game by circumventing the obstacles you designed into the map.
I do not think enough play testing went into Blacklight Tango Down or Monday Night Combat. Both games suffer from the same problem. Both games allow pre-made parties to play against random people who join a game. In both games, the party that runs across the map and locks the other team in their spawn, wins. You can not just throw random people against organized groups and expect them to enjoy the process.
In Monday Night Combat, the game can be over before you even know it. People who have been playing the game for a week stand in safe places and pick off your sentries until they have enough “juice” to storm your base. Then they run away, rinse and repeat. A game can end in minutes.
Blacklight Tango Down is a slow torture. You are trapped in your base. If you poke your head out a sniper picks you off. Occasionally a shotgun guy pokes his head in the front door kills everyone and is out before the automated defenses notice him. The absolute best part (please note sarcasm) is that you spawn in exactly the same spots every time so a guy can kill you, then throw a grenade over the wall and kill you again as you respawn. This goes on until 50 kills is reached.
Both games have a cooperative game mode wherein players take on the computer. This is where Monday Night Combat really shines through. You fight off waves of progressively harder robots. The voice acting is good, so when the announcer or your character says something, it works. There is a simple objective. Defend the money ball to earn cash prizes (which you can use to unlock titles). If you are not sure what the classes do, it is a good idea to play this Blitz mode a few times and try them out.
The co-op mode in Blacklight Tango Down seems like an afterthought. A women reads a script at you (poorly) telling you your “mission.” Get from point A to point B. Try to avoid being killed. One might think this pretty easy except A.I. snipers have that uncanny ability to just know when you are peeking around cover at them which, of course, leads to instant death and failure. There is no story or even acting to speak of and both sides of the fight where very similar armor.
Both of these games are dirt cheap. They both cost around $15. So the question really becomes not, is it a great game but, is it a good value. For me, the answer is easy.
Monday Night Combat is well worth the money. It may take a couple tries to get into a crossfire match where you are evenly matched. The are host migration issues, but that seems to be the norm now that hosting is pushed onto the players. I would give this game 8 out of 13 Eds and I would raise that number if they come back and balance the maps in a future patch.
Blacklight Tango Down is not worth the money. I would highly recommend trying the demo before making the purchase. The only really appeal is for people who like to grind away levels to unlock better weapons and I’ve got much better things to do with my time (like coming up with various nerd classes for The Platform Wars). I give this game 2 out of 13 Eds.
Somebody tried to create a long exposure capture of The Perseid Meteor Shower, which was at maximum potency on August 12th. Though this person is presumably knowledgeable in the realms of astronomy and photography, he fails to take into account the big, fat, honkin’ light pollution emitted by a nearby city.
So, I think I’m going to watch what was billed: a long exposure capture of The Perseid Meteor Shower. There’s a dramatic high-speed sunset over the desert, and lights begin to streak across the sky. Except… they change direction mid-flight. My deep and keen understanding of heavenly bodies lead me to this determination: “Well… that’s not right.”
Turns out you hardly even see the meteor shower, but it’s an awesome capture of local flight paths. It’s pretty cool to watch. Original art, more often than not, is a result of the artist’s inability to properly execute the mundane.
If anybody is wondering how meteor showers are named, such as The Perseids, The Leonids or the Orionids, it goes like this: If you reverse the trajectory of each meteor that streaks through the sky, they seem to meet at a certain point, which is known as the radiant. The constellation in which the radiant lies is the constellation after which the meteor shower is named. People figured out meteor shower radiants thousands of years ago, and that blows my mind.
In the far-away land of Evanston, Illinois lies Bennison’s Bakery. Bennison’s offers a wide variety of sweets and pastries, all of which are essentially useless display fodder because the main event is a woefully small pile of Maple Bacon Long Johns.
Two nights ago, a Maple Bacon Long John was presented to me, and I snapped it up with all due vigor. Despite my eagerness, though, I was apprehensive. My bacon zealotry not withstanding, I’m not the biggest fan of maple doughnuts; they’re far too sweet and cloying for my tastes. But I figured I would choke down the novelty that is the Maple Bacon Long John so I could say that I’d eaten one and then I’d never have to eat another one again.
When will I learn? When will I finally realize that my faulty and unfounded preconceived notions only serve to prohibit my experience and enjoyment of life’s bacony wonders? Not only was the Maple Bacon Long John not bad, it was delicious! Like waffles and bacon with a mild touch of syrup. Very little sweetness to it. Though I had vowed to eat one and stop forever, after one bite, I immediately wanted six more.
But they were all gone. And then I was sad.
So when you are one day presented with the opportunity to consume a Maple Bacon Long John, resist your urge to turn up your nose at it. It may be the greatest thing you’ve always hated. Worst case scenario, you take a bite, it tastes like poo, you spit it out and throw the whole thing on the floor in angry disgust. Afterwhich I scuttle up and scavenge it with no pride, honor or shame.
12 out of 13 Eds.
Photography by Timothy Toerber III
Fake guitars dropped into a real volcano. Happy Friday.
Today I want to talk to you about the book Looking For Alaska by John Green.
Before I do that, however, I feel obliged to explain how a novel about teenagers came before they eyes of a guy who spends the vast majority of his reading time with books featuring lasers and or dragons.
It has already been explained that I have been sucked into the monster know as Twitter. The first thing I do when I boot up my computer is open up four tabs: Gmail, Facebook, Twitter and Digg (once upon a time, Digg would have been Fark, but Digg is more integrated with Facebook so it wins). After checking the news* and reading my email, I scroll my way through the Twitter page looking for the last posts I read before going to bed the night before. While I may close most of the other tabs, the Twitter tab will stay open as long as the computer is on.
*[Editor's Note: I love that Digg.com is referred to as "the news."]
So what, one may wonder, is the point of going on about my Twitter habits when I am suppose to be talking about John Green and his book? The point is this: singer / song writer Jonathan Coultan started this chain reaction with a simple link and a message that was less than 140 characters. Coultan linked to this video that John Green made about a dispute between Viacom and YouTube. I was so impressed by this video that I subscribed to the channel and have been faithfully watching their videos ever since.
Fast forward to August 6th. I ‘m a now a serious vlog brother fan. I link their videos to Facebook in an effort to share this excellence with all of the people who haven’t blocked me (due to stupid games that I swear I no longer spam with). On this date, John Green shares a video in which he shows the setting of his book, Looking for Alaska. It is what he says at the end that really grabbed me: “For me, at least fiction is the only way I can even begin to twist my lying memories into something true.” He wrote that line for a video, that while viewed by 138,000+ people at this point has all the permanence of anything that catches the very brief attention span of the Internet.
I needed to read a book by a man who had that much talent to spare.
This “brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to” Looking for Alaska. This is a recommendation and not a review. To do a review I would have to look at the novel critically, look for flaws and strengths then try to find a way to rate it some where between one and thirteen Eds. I have already admitted to one aspect of my John Green fanboyism, which is a pretty reasonable impediment to looking at the novel critically. My strong identification with one of themes of the novel is yet another. The theme of which I speak is that of smart crazy people. Actually it is more than that. It is dealing with, being fascinated by, or in love with smart crazy people.
From the time I moved out of my parents house to when I came back Chicago in 2001 one might view my life as a series of infatuations with smart crazy (and often self-medicating) women. One might see how I would have a hard time divorcing that from any thoughts I might have on this novel.
This does, however, bring up the point that Looking for Alaska is marketed as a young adult novel. While teens may identify with the characters in the story, or perhaps some of the situations in the novel, I do not think they really have the life experience to truly walk away from this novel with everything it has to offer. Part of what you walk away from this novel with is nostalgia. You go and look at your own life through the filter of age in the same way John Green is looking at his. You do not get that feeling from something that happened last week or even last year.
That is all you are going to get from me. If you need a plot synopsis, it is a Google search away or you could just click on this link and read it at Amazon. If you want something that will make you think and perhaps romanticize your own you, then John Green’s Looking For Alaska is the book for you.
13 out of 13 Eds
Welcome to Episode Twenty-Six in which our heroes discuss wisdom teeth, Inception, The Social Network, Jesse Eisenberg, Medium Raw, Isaiah Mustaf on YouTube, Zack Galifianakis’ stand-up, Louie C.K. in Louie, geek glasses, the end of the world, BPotW: Bacon Hot Sauce, and iDosing; with music by The Unicorns, Lemon Demon and The Dandy Warhols.
Why Don’t They Fill Wisdom Teeth?
“There are many factors that will decide whether or not a dentist will pull or fill wisdom teeth. One factor is where your dentist was trained, in different areas of the country they teach different principles in dental school so one dentist may fill a wisdom tooth, while another will say just pull it. It can be very difficult to put a filling in a wisdom tooth if the tooth is very far back in the mouth, which they have a tendency to be.”
more at Yahoo! Answers >>>
Inception
“The story can either be told in a few sentences, or not told at all. Here is a movie immune to spoilers: If you knew how it ended, that would tell you nothing unless you knew how it got there. And telling you how it got there would produce bafflement. The movie is all about process, about fighting our way through enveloping sheets of reality and dream, reality within dreams, dreams without reality. It’s a breathtaking juggling act, and Nolan may have considered his “Memento” (2000) a warm-up; he apparently started this screenplay while filming that one. It was the story of a man with short-term memory loss, and the story was told backwards.”
more at RogerEbert.SunTimes.com >>>
The Social Network
The full trailer for The Social Network, the highly anticipated film written by Aaron Sorkin and directed by David Fincher that retells the origins of Facebook, has just landed. Buzz for the movie has been steadily building up for the last month as the studio released teaser trailers filled with dramatic music and punchy dialog — but no footage showing the actors. This latest trailer brings the goods, and the movie is looking pretty damn good.
Jesse Eisenberg vs. Michael Cera
more at TechCrunch.com >>>
Anthony Bourdain: Medium Raw
“Despite the author’s crass, colorful prose, many of these episodes read like leftovers. Bourdain weighs in on the “there’s shit in our meat” burger controversy, a subject that feels stale years after Fast Food Nation. His bêtes noires are dated, too: Who, in 2010, still cares about Alain Ducasse’s ill-conceived run at the Essex House in 2005? Perhaps Bourdain’s anger is so dusty because, let’s face it, life’s been good to him. How much longer will he be able to run on toxicity?”
more at Time Out New York >>>
Isaiah Mustaf’s YouTube Response
“The team behind this amazingly well-run campaign managed to engage half of the Internet, and provoke almost unequivocally positive results from social media sites such as Reddit.com and Twitter. Hell, even the comments on YouTube were overwhelmingly positive — and that never happens. The Old Spice Twitter account accumulated tens of thousands of new followers and the YouTube videos amassed hundreds of thousands of views.”
more at Mashable.com and YouTube.com >>>
Zach Galifianakis Stand-Up
more at YouTube.com >>>
Louie, Starring Louis C.K.
“Comedian Louis C.K. is an undeniably talented and very funny man but can he carry his own show? Most of his best work has been behind-the-scenes as a writer on shows like “The Chris Rock Show” and “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” but he had at attempt at sitcom stardom withHBO’s “Lucky Louie” and FX has given him a second shot with the inconsistent-but-quickly-improving “Louie.” Don’t judge this show on the very mediocre premiere episode. Like many comedian’s stand-up acts, it takes some time to find its rhythm but subsequent episodes provide a lot to like.”
more at HollywoodChicago.com and Hulu.com >>>
Jeff’s Geek Glasses Odyssey
more at ThinkGeek.com
>>>
BP and The End of the World
“Northwestern University’s Gregory Ryskin, a bio-chemical engineer, has a theory: The oceans periodically produce massive eruptions of explosive methane gas. He has documented the scientific evidence that such an event was directly responsible for the mass extinctions that occurred 55 million years ago.”
more at Helium.com >>>
Bacon Product of the Week: Bacon Hot Sauce
more at BaconHotSauce.com >>>
iDosing
“Kids around the country are getting high on the internet, thanks to MP3s that induce a state of ecstasy. And it could be a gateway drug leading teens to real-world narcotics.
At least, that’s what Oklahoma News 9 is reporting about a phenomenon called “i-dosing,” which involves finding an online dealer who can hook you up with “digital drugs” that get you high through your headphones.
And officials are taking it seriously.”
more at Wired.com and I-Doser.com >>>
So, anyway, there I was with talking up this exotic dancer at a Dunkin’ Donuts somewhere deep in the Congo.
No, wait… strike that.
There I was with my father, geeking out over parts and software in a computer electronics outlet store when we decided it was time to relax with a book or three and a highly-caffeinated beverage. We went to Barnes & Noble.
I’ve always loved Barnes & Noble. As a frothing-at-the-mouth liberal, who used to spend entirely too much time going on about the needless overoconsumerism surrounding the holidays, I should probably detest Barnes & Noble for what they did to smaller, independent book shops. The problem is that I feel I would also have to hate Amazon.com and the rest of the Internet in that they were equally complicit. I’m a geek. I cannot hate the Internet. It is written.
Barnes & Noble is the first place I’ve ever been that had rows upon rows of shelves devoted to science fiction and fantasy.The old mall-based book shops had a single shelf tucked in a corner, and god forbid one visits the store a little to often. When the shelves emptied, the employees would just turn a few titles sideways to take up more space, further limiting the available selection (but putting off the tedious jobs of inventory and restocking). Barnes & Nobles is the first place I saw L. Ron Hubbard science fiction (not the religion book but half a shelf of stories about aliens and heroes). It was the first place I found books written by Piers Anthony that were not about Xanth. This was the store that introduced me to Michael Moorcock’s Elric Saga. (If you’ve never read them, do your self a favor and get to a used book shop. White Wolf collected the books into omnibus editions).
Now some might say, “What about Borders? Aren’t they essentially the same store?”
To this I say, “A pox on you, uncultured swine!”
Yes there are some superficial similarities. They both come in two story box stores. They both have fancy Seattle-based coffee shops inside. They are both trying to push e-reading devices. (Barnes and Noble has the Nook and you can get a Sony display in your local Borders, though with the new Amazon Kindle at only $139.00 they are both going to have a hard time getting a piece of that market). They both have giant children’s sections and comfy seating strategically placed throughout the store.
Okay, maybe they are the same store.
There are, however, a few important differences.
Barnes & Noble has a superior science fiction section. Don’t believe me? Go to both stores back to back. You will notice that while both stores have a large number of current titles, Barnes & Nobles goes the extra mile and stocks more books in those same authors’ back catalogs.
Barnes & Noble has books a person might actually read on their cheap table. The cheap table at Borders is a sad collection of half broken children’s books and coffee table books that people look at in the store and never buy (perhaps we should stop calling them coffee table books and start calling them bookstore coffee shop books). At Barnes & Noble you can get hard bound editions of classics like the complete works of Shakespeare, Mark Twain or Bronte for something like $5.99 and they will probably throw in one of those desert coffee receipts (I always throw those away after politely thanking the casher for the wonderful coupon, but it is a value. A person could redeem one. Just not me).
At this point, a tired reader might wonder if I actually bought anything or if I spent the entire time pondering the differences in box-shaped book stores. I did in fact make a number of purchases.
First I bought The Tyranny of Night by Glen Cook. Glen Cook is one of those authors I discovered because his works were being sold in omnibus editions. He has written a number of military fantasy books about a group called The Black Company that I enjoyed a great deal. He also has a series of books about a sort of fantasy Sam Spade named Garrett. I made the mistake of reading the first couple books in this series recently. The mistake was not so much in reading them, as they are very quick, fun reads, but in not knowing that most of the books around the middle of the series are out of print. I need to know what happened and the books are out of print. This makes me sad.
Second, I bought the latest novel by Jane Lindskold, Nine Gates. The great science fiction master Roger Zelazny co-wrote a couple novels with Lindskold towards the end of his life. Being a fan of his, I thought that if he valued her talent so highly that he actually wrote with her, it would probably be worth my time to read something she has written on her own. It was a pretty good gamble. I’ve purged my books shelf a number of times since I my e-reader has entered my life, but all of her books are still on my shelf. I remember being not only upset about Roger Zelazny’s death, but that it came so close to a convention I was going to where he as a guest of honor. Perhaps someday I’ll get to go to a convention where I can thank Jane Lindskold not only for her books, but for helping Zelazny finish his.
Finally I bought the fourth book in the Terry Goodkind Sword of Truth series. A number of years ago I started reading this series. I have no idea where I stopped, so rather than just buy the books in the middle and hope for the best, I started back at the beginning and now I up to book four, which I’m pretty sure I’ve read before. Still anything with a mad prophet or two is worth looking at more than once.
That was the end of our excursion. We could have hit a few more stores as the Chicago suburbs are a giant strip mall filled with every store imaginable and a few that ought to be destroyed in fire (Pier One Imports, Bed Bath & Beyond, etc.), but it was time to pick up the Golden Girls from their teenage vampire encounter.
Previously, our hero was just coming to the end of the build-your-own-computer aisle in a technology outlet store. He would have spent more time salivating over the parts, but time was limited and there was more to see and do, so he moved on to the next aisle: the software isle.
These days, one does not do much software shopping in an outlet store. You might find a good variety at Fry’s, but the rest of the stores gave up on most software long ago. No, that high speed internet has hit a high enough saturation point that developers would rather sell their products digitally. It saves them the cost of having to put boxes with discs on store shelves, as well as the percentage of the sale that went to those retailers. Developers are also able to prevent sharing and resale when you do not own a physical copy. Still, you expect to find certain software at the outlet store. Retailers would roll over and die before they gave up on the idea that they should just sell machines and let other people rake in all the software money.
The first software you expect to find is games. These are not good games, mind you. These are the ten-dollar boxes that have been floating around various stores for the last fifteen years. They are slot machine games and jewel games that were around long before PopCap started turning casual gaming into a major money enterprise. They are the titles that failed to compete with the big boys and for which you can expect no product support as the companies have long since gone out of business. They are also the over-produced copies of old popular games. A Diablo II or Starcraft Battle chest is almost always standard. The days of this section of the store are numbered. Once upon a time, the games would have been an aisle or at least half the available software. Now it is one little section at the end of an aisle quite sad and almost universally passed over by anyone who enters the aisle.
The next thing you expect to see (which I was rather astonished by the absence of) are operating systems. Well… really, various versions of the latest windows operating system and maybe a couple of Linux boxes (strictly for the Li-curious, as a true Linux Master could probably MacGuyver it onto a fresh box using only the power of the mind and a USB drive). I cannot explain the absence. You can bring home all the nifty parts you want but if you do not have an operating system to install after the BIOS flashes, the machine is just a very large energy sucking paperweight. [Editor's Note: Game developers aren't the only ones shipping digitally, Rich. Besides, how else do you expect them to stock the shelves of Microsoft Retail Outlets?]
What I did find was various versions of Sony video editing software ranging in price from seventy to two-hundred dollars. I hate that. I hate when a company makes a product and deliberately gimps the version down to almost uselessness. I swear now that if a software developer starts making applications that include all the bells and whistles and sells it for a reasonable price, I will stay product loyal. I will upgrade when the time comes and I will extol the virtue of their product to everyone I encounter. Do I need a top of the line video or audio editing package? No, but I’m more than willing to take advantage of said technology. Do I need the business power house version of Windows? Definitely not, but if I had it I probably would not consider even consider trying to install Linux on another machine.
We came to the end of the software aisle somewhat mystified at the scarceness. It was time to leave.
Image courtesy of Penny-Arcade.com
